In honor of Library Lovers’ Day, Digital Dialogs asked members of USF Libraries’ faculty and staff to share a story about a book that impacted their life. Read one of these stories below!
This guest post was written by Charlayne Sullivan, HR Business Partner for USF Libraries/Central HR.
Please be aware that this post references domestic violence and domestic abuse.
“I had never been punched in the face before … I didn’t realize being punched hurt so much.”
These are the words from the first couple of paragraphs of a book that, in some ways, changed my life. When I was asked to write a guest post on a book that had a significant impact on me for Digital Dialog’s celebration of Library Lover’s Day, the book I chose may not seem like the most appropriate choice for Valentine’s Day. But, sometimes, books which change our lives are not the ones that initially jump off the shelves. Besides, celebrating love should always include self-care and loving yourself.
The book I chose, and full transparency – book I authored, relates to the fact that I am a survivor of an abusive marriage. And as a Christian, while in that marriage, there were few books I found to help me in my dire situation. Most, if they even touched on the subject from a Christian perspective, encouraged the wife to talk with a pastor, read the Holy Bible, and ultimately to stay in the marriage. But, when I wrote Abused, Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others, I wanted it to be different. That difference starts early on, in the introduction, when I state, “If you are an abused Christian wife and you are buying this e-book because you want an answer as to whether you should stay or go, DON’T BUY THIS []BOOK.” I believe on such a pivotal subject as this, that answer only comes through prayer and listening to how the Lord is directing YOU.
I wish a book similar to this had been available to me during my abusive marriage. But soon after leaving my husband, all the advice I wish someone had shared with me, all the understanding I wish well-meaning family and friends had known, and all the “AHA” moments I had afterwards welled up inside of me and had to be released. This book was the culmination of that release. Time and distance allowed me to see that I wasn’t crazy in thinking that just because I wasn’t physically abused on a regular basis, that didn’t mean I wasn’t abused. It helped me to see that those subtle power manipulations and attempts at totally isolating me were NOT signs of fierce love and caring. These were actually intentional steps to pull me completely under his control.
Strangely enough, Abused, Who Me? took me nine years to write. I wrote the first 2 chapters at a frantic pace within 2 months! My hand could barely keep up with the words pouring out of my thoughts. Then almost a year later, I was berating myself for being lazy (hearing those words in my husband’s voice). As I say in the book, “…I didn’t think I had anything more to say even though I felt there WAS more to say.” God helped me to understand that I needed more life experience and time to gain greater understanding and wisdom of what I had gone through for many years.
So, there are thousands of books on the subject of abuse on the market today. As an author, I hoped mine would be different in the following ways:
- The pseudonyms used – The co-author’s name is a pseudonym (Aminata Conteur) and the book explains what the names mean and the origins of the names. But on a personal note, the other author’s name, Druzella Pilegesh, is made up of my grandmother’s name (Druzella), who dealt with her abusive situation with strength and grace, and the Hebrew word for concubine (Pilegesh) which referenced a specific Levites concubine in the Bible, who was horribly abused and whose life came to a bitter end.
- The vignettes – Instead of saying “this is abuse” and “that is abuse,” I wanted to paint scenes in the mind, and at the end of each one, ask the reader if they have ever been in the situation outlined. The recurring theme is then, “If you have, then you are being abused or are in denial about your abuse.”
- The chapters on whether to stay or go – Many books on abuse tell you to stay or go. My book takes a different approach. I wrote a chapter on what to do if you decide to stay, as well as a chapter on what to do if you decide to go. In the heat of dealing with abuse on a daily basis, it can take years to make a decision on whether to go or stay. The abused person will then need tools regardless of what decision is made.
- The applicability to even non-Christian women – After writing the book, I realized that the recurring themes were universal signs of abuse (at least in Western culture), and therefore, the information and advice in the book would be applicable for even non-Christian women.
Abused, Who Me? had such a significant impact on my life because it saved my then-fragile mental health. It allowed me to delve into the what happened’s, what if’s, and the what now’s. It was cathartic. It was enlightening. And most of all, it was encouraging knowing it could help many other women who were, and are, in the same situation I was in many years ago. My hope is that it will also be cathartic for those who need it, and read it, for years to come.
Domestic Abuse Resources
National
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES
Florida
- State Resources: https://www.womenslaw.org/find-help/fl
- Florida Domestic Violence Help, Programs and Statistics: https://www.domesticshelters.org/help/fl
University of South Florida
- University of South Florida, Center for Victim Advocacy & Violence Prevention: https://www.usf.edu/student-affairs/victim-advocacy/services/index.aspx
Want to read more stories like this one?
Read the other posts in our Library Lovers’ Day series:
- Library Lovers’ Day: Learning to be a skeptical reader
- Library Lovers’ Day: “And in that moment, I swear, we were infinite”